The Clutter Wars: The Frumpy Zone Strikes Back!

Originally published as Let the Clutter War Begin! in January 2009 issue of Richmond Parents Monthly

A new year brings with it a yearning for all things to be orderly and organized. Once the Christmas decorations are packed in green and red bins, sometime around mid-February if we’re lucky, I’m always left with the urge to re-organize and de-clutter.

But no matter how hard I try, the clutter always returns. It is no secret that those of us who live in the Frumpy Zone suffer from the Law of Clutter Attraction. This is an ancient mystic philosophy that states: NO EMPTY SPACE SHALL GO UNFILLED!

This statement, while seemingly simple, is quite profound and has been proven true time and time again in the Frumpy Zone. Take my kitchen counter, I removed the clutter last Sunday, but today, the once pristine countertop now contains the following items scattered unceremoniously across its surface: unopened junk mail, Sunday’s newspaper, a variety of artwork and school papers, five opened Christmas cards, a lollipop stick, a hair scrunchy, 3 pennies, two lunchboxes and a half-eaten candy cane.

My two car garage proves the Law of Clutter Attraction most emphatically. Not once in the four years we’ve lived here have we been able to actually use our garage to house our vehicles. In fact, I don’t think we should even be allowed to call it a garage. Perhaps I’ll start calling it the “Pit of Despair.” Every single time we reorganize and clear out a space in the Pit of Despair, the bare space refills almost magically. It’s as if a clutter magnet is buried under the floor. Just last month, my husband cleared out a space and took an old table over to a friend’s house.

Two hours later…(Sponge Bob Cousteau narration)

I opened the door to the garage to find a large white wooden desk sitting in the once empty space. (Insert silent scream here.)

I hate to say it, but maybe my mother was right. She would spend time every single day running through the house like a mini Tasmanian Devil, cleaning and organizing. Our house sparkled and our clutter was relegated to a few hidden spots. In the kitchen we had the junk drawer and in the basement we had my dad’s tool room, a mini Pit of Despair. We also had the attic. But everywhere else my mother waged a war on the clutter minions and won. With the new year beginning, I’ve decided to become fanatical about fighting in the Clutter War. I’m ready for battle.

Reflection

Ten years later… (Sponge Bob Cousteau narration)

I am still fighting in the Clutter Wars. I have won many battles over the years but have also lost a few. I have won my kitchen counters back but there are still mini skirmishes over the kitchen table.

I have reclaimed my living room since my children are older. They now keep their clutter in their own rooms, which means that I have lost their bedrooms to the clutter minions. That’s OK, as long as they keep their doors closed and change their sheets once a month. Unfortunately, I have lost the garage. It has been totally overtaken by the forces evil. To keep my sanity, I have had to withdraw from that skirmish. Someone stronger and mightier needs to take on that battle, namely, my husband.

Over the years, I have learned that I cannot fight in the Clutter Wars alone.

I have drafted my children and am not above holding their electronics hostage until they do their family duty. I have learned that taking ten minutes each evening to ‘tidy up’ before bed keeps the clutter minions at bay, OR a glass of wine before bed allows me not to worry so much about the clutter that has not yet been vanquished.